Drama is the struggle with others and yourself to feel justified in the actions you take. The image is called the dependency triangle. It shows three dysfunctional roles that people typically fall into that create conflict, drama and perpetuate avoiding accountability – the VICTIM, the PERSECUTOR, and the RESCUER.
The victim’s stance is “poor me.” They feel like they have no control, that they are being attacked, are unable to make decisions, and that everyone and everything is out to get them. They seek out the other two to perpetuate their negative feelings.
The persecutor insists, “it is all your fault!” They are controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid and superior. They face their negative feelings by taking them out on others.
The rescuer’s line is “let me help you.” They are the classic enabler. They want to solve everyone else’s problems and make everyone else get along, even when no one is asking for help or there is no problem to solve. They do this to avoid their own anxiety and issues.
These three roles are codependent and need each other to feel justified and avoid accountability. If my son can make me out to be the villain for taking away his car keys, and I make him out to be an irresponsible teenager, then both of us feel justified. And, the end result is that nothing changes in behaviors or attitudes. The circus repeats itself. Sound familiar? Worse, like finds like and groups of people in similar roles find each other, gossip and perpetuate the drama. Not good for anyone.
So how do we break out of this cycle? Here are some ideas to think of:
1. Be a coach instead of a rescuer by asking questions to guide people to their own answers and asking permission to help first before you do.
2. Be a creator instead of a victim by being outcome-oriented instead of problem-oriented and taking incremental steps towards the outcome you want.
3. View a persecutor as a challenger instead by changing your perspective on what they are doing – they are helping you clarify your needs and focus on learning and growth. Look for the silver linings.
4. Don’t accept invitations to join the drama – Compromise is OK, but don’t give in on your boundaries or principles. Don’t give unsolicited advice. Don’t make threats or ultimatums.
Compassionate accountability turns conflict from a distraction into a resource. Do you avoid or accept accountability?
“Drama does not just walk into your life. Either you create it, invite it or associate with it.” – Anon.
“When you point the finger you miss the point.” – Bruce D. Schneiner
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